I just kinda learned to swim. Not, like, not drown, but swim. Let me tell you some things about learning to swim.

When you’re planning to learn to swim, one thing you might do is ask some of your swim friends how they do it. They will tell you some exciting things, like this:

A lot of new swimmers don’t ever learn to dolphin kick when they push off the wall, so you could do that. -Lesley, my swimming-coach friend

Or

I love the feeling of gliding through the water. -Jeremy, my loves-swimming friend

They make swimming sound so fun, just like good friends who want you to join them should. I would recommend you really read between the lines here, though, because what they won’t tell you is that swimming is a sport in which you try to do one thing: not die.

Oh hey, do you swim?

I do. I bury my face in water, flail all my body, and suck oxygen at tiny intervals to not die.

There are phases of learning to do this, so I have some advice as a Lap Head* slowly shedding my noob status:

First, it’s helpful to entirely remove the word swimming from your expectations. For now, think of your activity as not-drowning. Success is hard to track at this stage. For example, you might feel exhausted after 5 laps and have to ask yourself, “Did I do swimming?”. In order to avoid this confusion, ask, “Did I not-drown?” instead and you’ll feel more accomplished.

Second, get really comfortable with coughing violently, as it is the primary activity early on. You’ll try to tell your body to swim, but all too frequently your body will tell you to bail out your lungs. Your body has to let go of this urge but can’t right away, so expect the smallest of drops in your mouth to set off a coughing storm. It’s a good opportunity to get to know your lifeguards beforehand, as you’ll be frequently easing the whistle down from their lips with a gentle wave as you hack along the wall.

Third, go ahead and detach from the thought of getting “good” at this for a long time. Just do the things and soon enough you’ll find yourself at the other end.

On that note, what is “good” swimming? Isn’t there just fast, moderate, and not fast swimming? Like you could literally swim in any style imaginable and as long as you push water and don’t drown, you’re swimming I think. It just so happens that we’ve identified the 3-4 ways that most human bodies do it efficiently, but if you come up with some other stroke and name it a cool thing (Floppy Bird?), you could podium above the greats.

I ain’t kidding:

FREESTYLE
SW 5.1 Freestyle means any style other than backstroke, breaststroke or butterfly.
SW 5.2 Some part of the swimmer must touch the wall upon completion of each length and at
the finish.
SW 5.3 Some part of the swimmer must break the surface of the water throughout the race,
except it shall be permissible for the swimmer to be completely submerged during the turn and for a distance of not more than 15 meters after the start and each turn. By that point, the head must have broken the surface.

These are FINA’s rules for Freestyle events! Literally any style!

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*Several trumpets and such*

Thank you so much! I’m overwhelmed to be in this position today as the athlete ambassador for these Games. I must first credit the swimming style that won me so much Olympic success starting all the way back in March 2020.

*cheers*

Yes, I know you know it. Let’s say it together now! 1 – 2 – 3 –

*FLOPPY BIRD*

Ha ha you’re right! It’s the Floppy Bird! It’s just that good of a style. I made it and I do it better than anyone. Anyway, I’m honored to light the flame for this, the 2072 Olympic Games in La Habana, and am looking forward to defending my 91 straight gold medals in all freestyle competitions over the last 13 Summer Olympic Games. Yes, the 50 meter, 100 meter, 200 meter, 400 meter, 800 meter, and 1500 meter gold medals and world records will continue to be mine!

When I invented the Floppy Bird, I had no idea it would lead to this. Michael, who? And so forth… And now, at my 89 years I am proud to say it with the same gusto as always: Let’s fl–…!

*FLOP SOME BIRD*

You knew what I would say! ¡Viva Cuba!

*lights flame in floppy bird pose*

*cheers*

*trumpets and such*

–aaaaaaaand scene–

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You’ll find me try-hard swimming and being overly chatty to compensate for insecurities at the Meredith Matthews YMCA in Seattle, WA.

*Lap Head is a term of endearment in familiar company only. Otherwise, a slur.